CNN caught using Onion headlines!

Official: Al Qaeda hasn't gotten far in getting nuclear weapons
04/13/10 04:02 AM, EDT
The president's top counterterrorism adviser says there is indisputable evidence that dozens of terrorist groups have sought weapons of mass destruction. But a U.S. intelligence official who is not authorized to speak for attribution said although al Qaeda clearly wants a nuclear weapons capability, it hasn't gotten very far.

Rationalisation

"The BBC has stated that it plans to do fewer things better"

- BBC announcement, BBC news.

From Cairo

Pretty sure that, while I'm trying to finish my book over some lunch, there is a woman in a burkha breast-feeding a baby.

- JRHS, brother and A-rabist

Five Dials 8

off the presses and into the ether.

Michael Jackson LATEST

--LIVE COMEBACK TOUR--
POSTPONED INDEFINITELY

iWikipedia

Wikipedia in Xhosa. Seriously.

Jew-ish

Swine flu. In Israel.

AdB

Alain de Botton has a new book out.


























Needless to say, it is excellent. Buy it, and read it.

That is all.

--
NB Penguin do not pay me a retainer for these services. If only...

Erm...

Tariq Aziz, for many years considered the spokesman for Saddam Hussein's government, has been sentenced to fifteen years in jail for involvement in the execution of Iraqi citizens.

Two of Saddam's half-brothers were also found guilty. They are to be executed.

Incidence of RAPE at all-time high in City.

Dear employees,

Due to the current financial situation caused by the slowdown of economy, Management has decided to implement a scheme to put workers of 40 years of age and above on early retirement. This scheme will be known as RAPE (Retire Aged People Early).

Persons selected to be RAPED can apply to management to be eligible for the SHAFT scheme (Special Help After Forced Termination). Persons who have been RAPED and SHAFTED will be reviewed under the SCREW programme (Scheme Covering Retired Early Workers). A person may be RAPED once, SHAFTED twice and SCREWED as many times as Management deems appropriate.

Persons who have been RAPED can only get AIDS (Additional Income for Dependants & Spouse) or HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel Early Severance).

Obviously persons who have AIDS or HERPES will not be SHAFTED or SCREWED any further by Management.

Persons who are not RAPED and are staying on will receive as much SHIT (Special High Intensity Training) as possible. Management has always prided itself on the amount of SHIT it gives employees. Should you feel that you do not receive enough SHIT, please bring to the attention of your Supervisor. They have been trained to give you all the SHIT you can get.

Thank you for your attention on this issue,

Management.

[Thanks to KJW]

For the record

There exists, in this country, a Lesbian And Gay Immigration Group.

There is also a Seafood Choices Alliance.

I know this because I was out last night, drinking with their legal advisor.

Yes, one legal advisor. For both groups.

Breaking News

Perhaps taking our publishing handle a tad literally, a dear friend of the Amnesiacs recently confided that he has "an aunty called Mike Hunt."

Now, hands up who thinks the unfortunate moniker - "that's ellision, kids!" - is the weirdest part of that whole revelation...

[Thanks to PC]

Medical Warning

To all kit men of the golfing persuasion.

Playing with 'ping' clubs can cause tinnitus, according to a new report in the British Medical Journal.

Turns out the King Cobra LD titanium driver emits a report louder than that of a gun. And is for cheats.

So, all in all, it serves you right, really. You flash wankers.

Classicfm news

Classicfm's chief news reader, Jay Vydelingum, cannot pronounce the names of the Sri Lankan President (Mahinda Rajapakse), or of the Tamil stronghold of Killinochchi.

If you're from South Asia this is wery funny.

NEWS JUST IN

There is a man called Royston Maldoom. He is a dance coach.

That is all.

Hold the front page!

I went to a marvellous party last night, on Bond St., to mark the launch of Ralph Lauren's Black Label suits and fragrance collection. I drank my body-weight in quality champagne, picked up a free copy of Esquire (mine hosts for the evening) and got a large and complimentary bottle of exceedingly expensive RL splash.

But by far the highlight of the evening was hearing the MC announce that black never really goes out of style, and that you can always dress it down a bit by wearing the jacket with a pair of jeans.

I tell you, the road to Damascus had nothing on this.

News Just In

Bodies rot. Who knew?

Evidently not the church officials attempting to exhume the remains of John Henry Newman (Britain's first candidate for canonisation in nearly 40 years) who rolled the stone away to find only the brass from his coffin and a couple of red tassels from his hat.

Hardline Catholics might take it for granted that the Cardinal's mortal remains have been snatched up to Heaven. But then you know what they say about assumptions.