Amnesiac Texts - IX

Dom: Our newspapers are beyond a joke. Jermaine Defoe has a column. We don't.

Strange rhetoric

I've read and reread this paragraph several times, and I still can't work out what it means:

When asked whether he had forgiven and forgotten the public lampooning of his derisory decision to carry an umbrella on the touchline, he means to reply with a rhetorical question but in a Freudian slip said: "I won't forgive or forget."

From here.

Smoking - 3

A little late in the day, I know; but (surely) the greatest headline never written, from back when Sven Goran Eriksson was caught diddling his personal assistant at the FA:

No smoke without a Faria Alam

Footballese

Watching Match of the Day 2 on Sunday night, I couldn't help noticing that the West Ham manager Gianfranco Zola began a sentence in his post-match interview with the phrase, "At the end of the day..."

It really is amazing how quickly foreign managers and players pick up the worst English language football clichés when they come to manage or play for clubs in the Land of the World's Worst Football Clichés. Zola's missive brought to mind a piece I wrote for The Lizard, back when Fabio Capello had just been appointed England manager, which (seeing how I wrote it 'n' all) for your viewing pleasure (and to fill some space on this page) I will exclusively republish here (so that your computer doesn't crash when you CLICK THIS LINK):

How to speak Footballese
Essential lessons for the new England manager

by Dominic Hilton
Thursday, December 13, 2007

The fashionable suggestion that the new manager of the England football team should actually be able to speak English is, to my mind, hopelessly racist. The ability to speak English has never been required of England’s football players. Why single out the manager all of a sudden?

I’ll tell you why: because the two leading candidates for the job – Fabio Corleone and Marcello Lipsmacker – happen to be Italian persons of Italian persuasion, that’s why. Questioning the ability of these two footballing masterminds to lead the England team to international glory just because they can’t ask for directions to Wembley Stadium without sounding like that character in 'Allo 'Allo who worships Mussolini and chases all the women around Nazi HQ is bigoted xenophobia on a new and frightening scale (and frankly, I’m astonished that London’s Mayor Livingstone hasn’t organised a boycott of the entire English nation, yet).

In the modest opinion of this column, instead of abusing these foreign gentlemen for being Italian persons of Italian persuasion, we should be doing everything we can to help them to integrate, assimilate and melt into our culture by teaching them the rudiments of footballese in the paragraphs below.

So, in the spirit of shared mutual understanding and global football peace, here is a list of words and phrases that I am confident will help the new England manager bring home the World Cup (to England):

“Give it some welly.” A common phrase with agricultural origins. Due to massive investment shortfalls, in strict arable terms most football pitches in England are actually big bogs of muddy swamp peat or sod where cows go to pat. As a consequence, English footballers traditionally play the game wearing Wellington boots. To “give it some welly” is to hooooooooooooooooooof* the football (“it”) with one of your (two) Wellington boot(s) (“welly” or “wellies”). Whether or not the “welly” needs to be actually attached to your foot in order to “give it some” continues to be a subject of heated debate.

“Get stuck in.” This popular phrase has similar origins to “Give it some welly.” To “get stuck in” is literally to get stuck in the mud because your Wellington boots have sunk into the pitch, rendering you immobile.

“At the end of the day.” A phrase used by footballing people at the beginning of every single sentence they ever speak. For example, “At the end of the day, give it some welly.” or “At the end of the day, get stuck in.”

“It’s a game of two halves.” This phrase recalls the days when underprivileged working-class children used to practice their skills in the streets of Newcastle using an orange (or grapefruit) because their parents were too busy in the pub blowing all their child support money on brown ale to be able to afford to buy their kids a real football. Inevitably, the orange (or grapefruit) would split in half. Hence, “It’s a game of two halves.”

“The boy done good.” “Good” is cockney rhyming slang for “Robin Hood”. To “do” Robin Hood is to have had sexual intercourse with him. So, strictly speaking, “The boy done good” means “The boy is homosexual.”

“Hooooooooooooooooooooof!” From the Latin Huv. Shouted at footballers who are playing like donkeys (donkeys have hoofs). The traditionally poor standard of English football makes “Hooooooooooooooooooooooooof!” a popular chant with fans all over the land.

“You’re playing like a fairy.” From the chapter of the same name in J.M. Barrie’s childrens' classic Peter Pan.

“The Gaffer.” The gaffer is a senior member of a club’s staff who makes lots of gaffs. (Different from “The Guffer,” who is a player who uses his flatulence to propel himself down the wing.)

“He’s only gone down the wing and stuck it in the net, hasn’t he?”
A meaningless phrase. Also see: “He only gone up the wing and stuck it in the net, hasn’t he?”

“Wing(s).” A hairstyle that acts like a parachute when a player is dropped from a great height.

“Giggsy” [etcetera] The obligatory attaching of a ‘y’ (pronounced: eeeeeeeeeeeee) to the end of every player’s name. So the current England team are officially known as: Robinsony, Richardsy, Ferdinandy, Terryy, Coley, Lampsy, Stevey, Becksy, Rooneyy, and so on until you forget whatever you planned to sayy.

“It’s a funny old game.” Literally, it’s funny when old people try to play the game of football. English comedy is full of classic routines involving geriatric pensioners with Zimmer frames trying to run around a football field and breaking their hip replacements.

“Man on.” See “The boy done good.”

“Kick-off.” A term of abuse, meaning “Go away!”

“By far the greatest team the world has ever seen.” Sung by fans of teams like Scunthorpe United.

“Couldn’t score in a brothel.” An insult never thrown at England star Wayne Rooney, who famously scored in a brothel with a granny called Auld Slapper.

“WAG.” The thing a footballer’s wife or girlfriend does with her painted finger when he refuses to hand over his credit card.

“Selling the dummy.” Literally, off-loading your stupidest player.

“Bung.” This needs no translation to Italians.


© lizardmagazine.com, 2007

The authors of this blog

used to have great admiration for all things Charlize Theron.

And then, this:


Sorry, Charlize. It's over.

COULDN'T MAKE IT UPDATE: "Demi Moore's actor husband Ashton had the best seats in the venue as he sat at the end of Chelsea's bench with his Kabbalah teacher Yehuda Berg."

I think I just vommed a little

in my mouth.

Sports Journalism Awards 2009

"In a small part of the North-East of this country, half the people are in tears and the other half rejoicing as though Mafeking [sic.] had just been relieved, and all because someone steered a pig's bladder through some upright sticks over the weekend."

- my father, on football.

Quote of the day

"Too much drinking goes on in this country. Too many people are not happy unless they have had a drink."

- Harry Redknapp (!?!)

R.I.P. Suleiman Omondi

At least you didn't have to suffer the second-half.

Why Arsenal lost (an alternative theory)

As according to Tony Cascarino (really):

"Kieran Gibbs is only a kid, he shouldn't take all the blame, but was he wearing blades instead of old-fashioned screw-in studs? I see it so often - players who fall over because their trendy boots are useless. They may look great, but they don't help you stay on your feet."

Kid pro quote

I wish I had a corking comebacker for this, but I can't think of a damn thing to say in defence of The Arsenal last night. I don't like to kick my team when they're down, obviously, but it was (actually) embarrassing last night, and even in the cold light of day, Evra ain't wrong:

“It was 11 men against 11 boys. They’re just too young to compete. Chelsea and Barcelona are on another level compared to Arsenal. The difference wasn’t just experience, it was quality, too. It’s not just about playing pretty. We’re pretty too, but we also score goals and we also defend well.”

- Patrice Evra

Also

When are we going to start deporting all the undesirables?

The problem with football

Yes:


Cool:


Fuck off:

Question of the week so far

"Is Sir Alex Ferguson bumming every referee in the world, or what?"

As asked by the Gooner standing next to me in the pub in Shoreditch last night.

The definition of pressure

"The last time he took a penalty kick he missed and his mother was taken to hospital after collapsing."

Are wood pigeons red devils?

At 7am this morning, I was lying under my Arsenal sheets, listening to the incessant coos of a pair of wood pigeons that reside in the tree outside my window.

As I listened, I couldn't help noticing that their coos sounded exactly like that moronic chant you hear at Old Trafford: "U-ni-ted. U-ni-ted."

So, does this mean that all wood pigeons are Man Utd fans? Let's put it this way: They're certainly dim enough.

More literary legends

Albert Camus played goalie for the Algerian national side.

Yeah, and Cole Porter was in the Foreign Legion!

Oh, no, wait...

Burchill's 'Fifth'

In her Beckham monograph, Julie 'isn't she a bit frightful?' Burchill reminds me that there were, rather inconveniently, two "fifth Beatle"s called Best.

Pete, who was actually once in the band and isn't dead yet,

















and George, who wasn't but is.























Something of a coin toss, innit?

The Special One

just got a little more special in my estimation:

Angry Jose Mourinho allegedly thumped a Manchester United fan after his team was beaten at Old Trafford.

p.s. No comment on The Arsenal's desperate display in Rome last night, except this: COME ON YOU BEAUTIES!!!!!

Creaming my Gooner boxer shorts

I've been putting it off all morning, but I really must say something about The Arsenal's mindblowing display against Burnley at the Emirates yesterday.

All three Arsenal goals were absolute belters. Vela's first was exquisite, and Eboue's third was vintage Wenger-era Arsenal. But Eduardo's volley for the second was genuinely one of the best goals I've ever seen (it reminded me of a goal I scored myself against Farley House when I was ten - though mine was better). For those of you who haven't had the pleasure, check it out:



I say 'one of the best goals I've ever seen' because I would still rank Marco Van Basten's strike in the Euro 88 final as the best I've ever seen:



Even with the crappy picture quality it looks too good to be true.