Incoming!

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But how did they know?!

78% 0FF on Pfizer!‏
From: © VIAGRA ® Official Site
Sent: 05 September 2009 23:15:24
To: competition@lizardmagazine.com

Indefinition - 8

Double-entry book-keeping, n. Pornographic act involving librarians.

Captions of the day so far

• Fruity: According to Mr Simpkins, the lime has a 'particularly lurid' expression on its face during its encounter with a lemon


• Debauched: The lime enjoys a similarly smutty experience with a willing pair of cherries

Taken from here.

(Thanks to RN)

Smoking - 3

A little late in the day, I know; but (surely) the greatest headline never written, from back when Sven Goran Eriksson was caught diddling his personal assistant at the FA:

No smoke without a Faria Alam

Sexual advisory

Never kick a man when he's going down.

The authors of this blog

used to have great admiration for all things Charlize Theron.

And then, this:


Sorry, Charlize. It's over.

COULDN'T MAKE IT UPDATE: "Demi Moore's actor husband Ashton had the best seats in the venue as he sat at the end of Chelsea's bench with his Kabbalah teacher Yehuda Berg."

Thought for the day

"Life shrinks or expands in proportion to one's courage."

- Anaïs Nin.

And so does something else.

What's that scraping noise?

As located in my girlfriend's spambox, so to speak:

From: ED Pills News

Subject: Your wang will reach ceiling

InDefinition - 5

afrodisiac, n. - Viagra for bruthaz.

Advice to American girls, by way of Paul Simon

Just lie back and think of New England, sweet New England.

Quote of the week so far

"There isn't enough skull-fucking in literature these days."

- Mrs. Dee Dee Cusack (an otherwise innocent-looking cutie)

For the record, this shortcoming will soon be remedied. More on which soon. Rest assured, your summer reading will not be dull.

Sound sex advice

"Read most contemporary literary sex scenes and you'll soon be cured of all sexual inhibitions - mainly because you'll be celibate for the rest of your life."

- Kathy Lette in today's Times.

I should add that it's hard not to admire any piece of front page journalism in a nation's paper of record that includes the phrases "luncheon truncheon", "chucking the spam javelin" and "plugging your live seed feed into the love socket."

Best On-line Ad, 2009

Homosexuality Forgiven
God Welcomes the Gays With His New Bible
http://www.endbible.com/

Word for word. It is not, so far as I can tell, a spoof.

Amnesiac Texts IV

Dom: So, did you pass out twice?

ASH: Nah. I was looking for an excuse to avoide some skanky club (not to mention getting stuck in town at 3am), so when my girlfriend got knocked off her bike I saw my chance and went home.

?!(!)

"There's something deeply unsound about sleeping with someone who thinks you're great."

- Jarvis Cocker, wrong again.

Feature pitch

I sent my editor a pitch on folk-singing, with the line: 'Fancy a feature?'

He sent me this:

I met a tart the other night and she said, "Pleased to meet ya."
So I looked and said with a jerk of my head, "Well, how's about a feature?"
I grew more bold
As we drank ice cold.
She got a packet of fags out.
I said: "More beer?"
She said: "No thanks dear.
"Tonight I've got the flags out."

It's by Barry Humphries, I'm told.

[Thanks to CG]

Thought for the day

There once was a man named Gandhi
He woke up one day with a dandy
He said to his aide fetch me a maid, or a goat, or anything handy

Bring me my spear! (o, 'clouds' unfold...)

Women demand all-day session; man wins wager; and death-in-the-sack no longer the preserve of the elderly.

What's not good about this story?

Dom's bird, and other mannequins

Biblical advice.