Thought for the day

"I'm of two minds - whether to skilfully weave my personal history into the warp and woof of a subtle plot structure that evolves through the play and counterplay of mimetic imagery to reveal my narrative point of view as an integral part of this literary work, or whether to just dump my life story into your lap out of sheer lack of writing ability."

- P.J. O'Rourke, Unpaid Bills

Gainful unemploy

Joyce: Did you have anything to do with his brother's death?

Mike: Yes.

Joyce: This is what comes of having no regular job.

- Joe Orton, The Ruffian on the Stair

Creative destruction

"It is every aspect of my life. It is destroying every relationship in my life. I am having an affair with it. I am obsessed with it 24 hours a day... I am constantly in a terror about failing, like all artists."

- Matt Weiner, creator [as in, writer] of the incomparably brilliant Mad Men.

Titles gone begging - 9

Vaticanimation: a complete history of popes in celluloid.

Why we write (sort of)

"The torpor of his mind renders him not only incapable of relishing or bearing a part in any rational conversation, but of conceiving any generous, noble, or tender sentiment, and consequently of forming any just judgement concerning many even of the ordinary duties of private life."

- Adam Smith [with an 'i'], on people with jobs.

Writer's Re: Treat

From my fellow amnesiac, en Espana:

"A sunny Spanish villa stocked with Rioja and bikini-clad women is not the peaceful working environment one might think..."

A little bit of Ceylon (in Brixton)

Interview with artist/author/lecturer Roma Tearne.

Getting vocal

Her: "When did you become such an outspoken arse?"

Me: "When I learned to talk."

R2

"Another awful place is Burton-on-Trent..."

- Sally 'Traffic' Boazman (who should also be credited with one of the more honest online biogs)

Right! Who borrowed my phone?

I was trying to send someone a message the other day that required the use of the word frump.

Needless to say, my phone did not recognise it; but what it did have - DEF, PQRS, TUV, MNO... (feel free to check) - was '3SUM'.

As though I'd ever spell it like that!

The problem, nutshelled

"We spent almost all our time together, partly working but mostly sitting around, lying around, driving around, and talking constantly, all day and all night, as only very young people can, about everything that can be imagined, which is to say about nothing that can be recalled."

- P.J. O'Rourke, Age and Guile

Lord of the Land

"Hunter was my friend and neighbour, the man who never paid his rent, broke up my marriage, and taught my children to smoke dope."

- George Stranahan, landlord of Dr. Hunter S. Thompson.

Martin Luther King (in context)

"I have a dream. You know that one where you're falling..."

Try and make it to

HOLLOW LOG 2009

I hope to be there.

Peanuts

"I began to write for pay in the spring of 1970, albeit that the pay was mostly peanut butter sandwiches and mattress space. The mattress was not very clean. But neither was I."

- P.J. O'Rourke, Age and Guile

Tennis

"The thing about tennis is that I'll never be as good as a wall. I played a wall once. They're fucking relentless."

- Mitch Hedberg (as seen in Charlie Brooker's column yesterday).

I honestly didn't know

that my fellow amnesiac ran the 200m.

Taking the peas

surprising
vetch

Has anyone seen Prince Michael 2?

Tito’s children were also in a band, called 3T. They are called Taj, Taryll and TJ. TJ stands for Tito Joe. The Jacksons like to name their children after themselves. Jermaine has a child called Jermajesty. Michael called his children Michael, Paris-Michael and Prince Michael.

- Sam Leith, Prospect

Gradation

"If I’d been burned alive because of bad grades, my parents would have killed me"

- David Sedaris

More:

When school was finished, I went back home, an Ivy League graduate with four years’ worth of dirty laundry and his whole life ahead of him. “What are you going to do now?” my parents asked.

And I said, “Well, I was thinking of washing some of these underpants.”

That took six months. Then I moved on to the shirts.

“Now what?” my parents asked.

And, when I told them I didn’t know, they lost what little patience they had left. “What kind of a community-college answer is that?” my mother said. “You went to the best school there is—how can you not know something?”

And I said, “I don’t know.”

All taken, of course, from this mini-masterpiece.

Also

1. David Cameron seems to have gotten hold of a copy of my manuscript.

2. There's such a thing as the 'London 2012 Countdown Coin'. Available from the Royal Mint for just £5.

3. Really.

What?

"Jacques Chirac watched sumo wrestling"

- The Guardian

Question

If they're always repairing the London Underground, how come it never works?

Sexual advisory

Never kick a man when he's going down.

As reported by Jeremy Vine

London DJ hypersensitive to WiFi

All I want to know is, if he hangs around outside my house, can he eavesdrop on my e-mails?

Philosophy

"It's easy to be cynical. But it's also fun. So carry on: well done!"

- Ken 'I'm not Wogan!' Bruce.

Teeth

I told the dentist, 'My jaw is inflamed and I'm pretty sure it's my wisdom teeth: it's probably time to have them out.'

He looked in my mouth and said, 'Your jaw is inflamed and it's your wisdom teeth: maybe it's time to have them out.'

I paid him £45 and left.

Note

To Amazon, Moss Bros, my first primary-school teacher and anyone else perplexed by issues of basic spelling, my name is not SMITH.

Thank you for listening.

Spam du jour

Masturzo Nogoda
ministers

(No, I didn't open it.)

Bona find

Thanks to my fellow Amnesiac, I was researching 'grilling beards' on Urban Dictionary (I had a hunch...) when I came across this:

1. grilled piece of shit
cock who [sic.] has just been in a gay ass
Hey John please take your grilled piece of shit out of my ass

There's no such thing as useless knowledge; but what really got me was the follow-up link:

get this def on a mug

The Amnesiac Review recommends...

Robert Twigger and his new novel, Dr Ragab's Universal Language.

My bird, on theatregoers

"Why do people go to the theatre? Is it so they can eat dinner at 5:30?"

Swine flu

Government website collapses under strain

Still, at least it wasn't a virus.

Question

Answer: Shit loads. Obviously.

Overheard on the baseball commentary just now

"Who cares if you can write if you can make plays like that?"

I guess those who can't make plays like that, write. (And those who can't write plays, make like that.)

Titles gone begging - 8

Wheezy Listening: Classicfm and its listeners.

Overheard at work today

Frumpy primary school 'teacher': "So, how did you get into painting and decorating, then?"

My brother Jake: "I did a degree in African and Middle Eastern history."

Play/write

"I’m very good at accepting my flaws. It’s one of the few things I’m good at."

- Patrick Marber

Literary coincidence(?)

Sir Conrad Black and Jonathan Aitken MP both wrote biographies of Richard Nixon.

Both men were later sent to prison.

Launch of The Essentials

in which the Amnesiacs did not double-team actress Charity Wakefield.