Pulling a leech out of a hat

I just wasted my entire morning at the doctors (really, this time was the biggest waste of time of all time, and I have had more time wasted by more quacks over the past twelve years than anyone on Planet Earth). As I sat reading in the waiting room, surrounded my schweinfluenza victims in shellsuits, my attention was grabbed by the noticeboard directly in front of me. In amongst the usual government posters advertising chlamydia and telling you how to catch a sneeze (information people actually need, judging by even the shortest experience aboard public transport) there was a giant poster that read:

The Friends of [this medical centre] invite you to

A TABLE MAGIC SHOW

Friday, 23rd October, 7:30pm

Nice to see they've got their priorities straight.

Swine flu

Government website collapses under strain

Still, at least it wasn't a virus.

Get your lips off my rim!

Yesterday, I heard on the radio that the Archbishops of Canterbury and York have made an emergency ruling against the sharing of the chalice during Communion, in an effort to help cut down the transmission of swine flu.

I am reminded of the sad tale of Louis XVII (yes, there was: don't start with me), who died, aged 10, of scrofula - a disease the divinely-appointed Kings of France were supposed to be able to cure by the laying on of hands.

Pearls before swine flu

From a friend of a friend who found himself cruelly stigmatised by his employer after a chance meeting with 'the wrong sort' of people (verbatim - I make no apology for shit spelling, random application of capital letters, or any other literary solecisms):

Sent: 01 May 2009 12:05
To: -----
Subject: Advice on Swine Flu
Importance: High

Dear All

As most of you know Donn has told you that on Wednesday he was in the company of the housemates of the Person from Newcastle who has contracted Swine Flu.

I have taken advice from my GP and also the NHS Direct helpline. They have advised the following :

There is no immediate risk to anyone in the Company as Donn is not presenting any of the symptoms – (I will list what to look for below).

IMMEDIATE ACTION

Everyone at the minute should be practicing excellent hygiene basics. Use tissues when sneezing and coughing – dispose of tissues immediately, then wash hands thoroughly with soap and water.

The virus is spread through droplets from a cough or sneeze. The germs can live on a
hard surface for up to 24 hours.

These basic rules will help prevent the spread of the virus.

WHAT TO DO IF YOU PRESENT ANY OF THE FOLLOWING SYMPTOMS (if you think that you may have been in contact with someone who has swine flu)

Fever
Fatigue
Chills
Aching muscles
Runny nose, sneezing, coughing
Sore throat
Vomiting and/or diahhorea
Any kind of flu like symptoms

ACTION

Isolate yourself from other people (ie stay at home)

Contact your GP or NHS Direct (do NOT go to the surgery or walk in Clinic). They will arrange for you to have blood tests if they think it possible that you may have contracted the virus and will give you the appropriate dosage of Tami Flu

If you have been in contact with anyone with Swine Flu it may take up to 7 days for you to present with any of the symptoms.

If anyone has any queries please do not hesitate to contact me. I have been advised that the best web site with the up to date information is www.hpa.org.uk

Regards

Recruitment/Performance
Manager

[Thanks to KJW]

Swine flu goes fabulous

The big bad wolf said "I'll huff and I'll puff and I'll blow your house down."

And the little pig said "Fuck off, or I will sneeze on you."

- Philip Michael Smedmor.

Schweingesang

Has anyone else noticed how, now that everyone in the House of Commons has been caught fiddling the expenses, we're no longer on the brink of a swine flu apocalypse?

Irony swinory

I woke up this morning to find the NHS information leaflet on swine flu awaiting my urgent attention.

I went to pick it up, but hesitated, not wanting to touch it, just in case.

I eventually picked it up with an oven glove, after retrieving my bacon-stuffed croissant from the oven.

Swine flu - Best In Show

Schweinfluenza

As the WHO embark on their Pandemic (World) Tour, The Amnesiac Review asks, 'Which bright spark appointed an Oriental spokeswoman to address the cameras on the question of "flu preparedness"?'

"But they soon realised: They just fucked with the wrong Mexican."

(Thanks to Snez Bo, whose taste in movies is second to none)

Swine flu warning

[Thanks to KJW]

Jew-ish

Swine flu. In Israel.