Overheard on the train

"'This train is the service to Canterbury West'? Is that right?"
"Yes. It's going all the way down there."

Excerpted from a long and painful conversation between two old bags (+ luggage) - the sort who have to touch each other's knees when they say something of monumental import, who never sit near you when you've actually got your iPod, and who you know, instinctively and immediately, will be with you for the full duration of your journey.

Other highlights include: an uncle's forthcoming medical procedure (rights and wrongs thereof); feebly risqué references to husband and the "or pear" [au pair, for those readers who don't speak Sarfeast]; "Are you happy to sit facing the way we're going?" (x4); and "There's Battersea."

At one point, one of them spends a full five minutes trying to write and despatch an SMS.

Then:

"Ooh! Message from Sue [both chuckle, apropos of nothing]. I said to her 'if you're not on time, don't worry, we'll wait.'"

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Good man, yerself!

The Greatest Story Ever Told

"One time I put conditioner in my hair and forgot to wash it out. I was trying to dry my hair and I thought 'that feels weird' and I had to put my head under the sink and wash it out."

- Dumpy girl, to other dumpy girl, Central line, 1.5.09

The Picture of Dorian FitzHigham

In which our hero goes underground...

Warning

Listening to commuters' conversations could seriously damage your health.

You never know what you might pick up.

Really useful sign

Seen inside the toilets at Victoria station.

On the last train

Whether from fast food or alcohol consumption I do not know, but there seems to be some sort of hiccoughing epidemic, ranging from embarrassed little yelps to deep gutteral heaves.

Then another guy starts sneezing and can't - or WON'T - stop. Then sniffing, from some distant and invisible party.

What is going on? It is the plague?!