Incoming!

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De haute en bas

I am the birdshit on the statues of once-great men.

InDefinition - 10

dinner dance, n. prelude to a violent voiding of the bowels, usu. in the tropics (esp. if some distance from the nearest convenience). Ideally performed solo.

No shit

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Bona find

Thanks to my fellow Amnesiac, I was researching 'grilling beards' on Urban Dictionary (I had a hunch...) when I came across this:

1. grilled piece of shit
cock who [sic.] has just been in a gay ass
Hey John please take your grilled piece of shit out of my ass

There's no such thing as useless knowledge; but what really got me was the follow-up link:

get this def on a mug

Question

Answer: Shit loads. Obviously.

Answer to Ashes-related Question of the day

A 'faece-wipe', surely?

Porcine point-scoring

According to Facebook, my mate Rich knows* two women by the name(s) of Rosie Hogflesh and Ellie Wildbore.

Apparently he also knows someone called Jennifer Herron, though, so I don't think he's trying to set a trend, or anything.

--
* not necessarily in the Biblical sense, you understand.

Celebrity culture skewered

Here's what I don't understand about Susan Boyle being in rehab: Surely you can't be crap and in rehab.

FYI

Splendor in the Grass

is not a movie about lacing pot with low calorie sweetener.

Imagine my disappointment.

Laziness personified

I have just eaten cold egg-on-toast because the bin was too full for me to throw it away.

Shamefacebook

Blogs like this one are bad enough, but Facebook has made every self-obsessed oik think that all their shit (not to mention their shit-covered dirty laundry) is worth washing in public.

In some cases, literally. I woke up this morning to discover that someone I used to know in America has the runs.

I've been racking my brains, but I cannot think of one good reason why I'd want to know this. I also can't think of one good reason why she would think I would want to know this. Although, I promise, if there are any other squit-related status updates, I will post them here. My money's on, "...is still shooting out of both ends. Her shitter is blocked to the brim and she's now squitting into her boyfriend's baseball glove."

Observation of the day

The handbrake on a Porsche 911 sounds like a fart when Rob Lowe pulls on it.

If you don't believe me, skip forward 8 mins 30 secs into this clip:

Paul Crouch: never confused (never outgunned)

[Thanks to KJW]

Some say the two things go hand in hand

London: 'Dirtiest City In Europe But Top Nightlife'

Believe It Or Not! - PS

In some parts of the West Country, they still are - Eds.

Believe It Or Not!

Ships in bottles, rather than simply acting as paperweights or corporate retirement presents (or both), were once considered exotic and wondrous items on account of their technical 'impossibility'.

[Thanks to Scarlett Thomas, author of The End of Mr. Y]

Are wood pigeons red devils?

At 7am this morning, I was lying under my Arsenal sheets, listening to the incessant coos of a pair of wood pigeons that reside in the tree outside my window.

As I listened, I couldn't help noticing that their coos sounded exactly like that moronic chant you hear at Old Trafford: "U-ni-ted. U-ni-ted."

So, does this mean that all wood pigeons are Man Utd fans? Let's put it this way: They're certainly dim enough.

The English laugh

Yar-har-har-Yar-har-har-Yar-har-har-Yar

You just don't hear that sound in any other country.

Warwick Avenue

I was there just the other day.

Very unexciting place.

Absolutely no call for a song, whatsoever.