Tennis

"The thing about tennis is that I'll never be as good as a wall. I played a wall once. They're fucking relentless."

- Mitch Hedberg (as seen in Charlie Brooker's column yesterday).

Philosophy of balls #3

It's not that I lack 'that killer instinct'.

It's that I lack 'those killer skills'.

Philosophy of balls #2

Every summer, there comes a moment where the Smyth family tennis balls are discovered to be flat beyond use. Curiously, this revelation always occurs during a match which I lose.

The philosophy of balls #1

When I was about 10 someone told me I was a 'serve-and-volley' kind of guy.

That advice has stuck with me.

I serve, I volley... I hope like hell that nothing else is required.

Bad news

Good news: you'll probably still be in in time to catch the fifth set.

The terrible truth about women's tennis (as described by Dame/Lady/Sir Virginia Wade)

"She's under so much pressure that she's struggling to get some ideas into her head."

- Wade, summing it all up during today's encounter between Chokerlenko and Hissyfitakova on Court 1.

Atlas shrugged (in that typically Gallic fashion)

Interviewer: "How long did it take you to get over losing Wimbledon [to Rafa Nadal] last year?"

Federer: "... 2 hours."

Best of Wimbledon commentary

"People that are averagely taller than most are often quite shy."

- Chris Bailey

"There's been some interesting American pronounciations."

- Tim Henman

Probably a good idea with a name like that

Roddick says he will not play nude

Britain's (latest) tennis debacle

"That's what the Davis Cup is all about - the team sticking together and supporting each other as a team."

So said Alex Peya after his 2-6 6-4 6-4 6-2 victory over Britain's Alex Bogdanovich, which sealed Austria's Davis Cup win over Great Britain yesterday.

I wonder if Peya was deliberately rubbing salt into British wounds?

Can't help noticing the, er, lack of "team sticking together and supporting each other as a team" in the British camp after the latest humiliation.

Said Bogdanovich's team mate, Andy Murray:

"The guys in the other matches didn't get the crowd involved. When Alex fell behind, I didn't see any fist-pumps or hear any 'Come-ons'.

"Even if you're breaking racquets I don't care - I just want to see you're desperate to win the match.

"In both my matches I showed a lot of emotion and got the crowd involved."

(Translation: Screw Britain, I'm applying for joint Scottish-Austrian citizenship.)

Murray also said something the effect of: The reason we lost the bloody tie was because of that dickhead Bogdigaditch, who is the worst fookin' player in the history of the world.

Bogdidabitch didn't disagree.

GB captain John Lloyd said the usual stuff about having to "work harder" and show "commitment", but the truth is that Bogdangiitch is not good enough at tennis to be representing his country. That's not really his fault - God didn't give him the tools (in His infinite wisdom, He gave Jenny Murray two). The blame lies firmly at the door of the LTA, whose high command should be lined up against the centre court scoreboard and rogered with the butts of Wilson Hammers.

Or so says Dr. Bjorn Oldbean, my old friend and tennis partner (when he's not playing ping-pong in Bangkok bars and scaring the locals with his orientalist missives). I didn't see the Bogdidawitch match (I was too busy not watching the Chelsea-Man U game) but Oldbean sent me a full report, which included the observation:

"Even if you or I might bottle it in that situation, at least we'd shout, smash racquets and try a bit"

That's good enough for me.

UPDATE: Oldbean has been back in touch. Looks like the LTA has a lot to answer for. Again.