Housemaid's knee

In a moment of self-indulgence this morning, I tried searching for 'Smyth' in the archives of a regional newspaper to which I am a frequent contributor.

Results returned:

'Super Smyth in four-goal blitz' (setting the standard)
'Smyth and Beer both bag four' (standard night out)
'Hawks at bottom' (standard night in)
'Oxon's freak goal in vain' (standard shrink's assessment)
and
'Bank bans customer for boob joke' (Evening Standard)

Tragically, not one of these has anything to do with me.

NB Unlike Nixon or Vaughan, Smyth does not traditionally refer to himself in the third person.