My plans to sue lots of countries

Financial crisis: Gordon Brown to sue Iceland over near £1bn of frozen bank deposits (Telegraph)

Until I read that, I'd really no idea one could sue A COUNTRY!

For obvious reasons, this information fills me with new hope for my future financial security!

PROVISIONAL LIST OF COUNTRIES I WILL DEFINITELY NOW SUE FOR BILLIONS OF SQUID:

1. Great Britain
For years of untold misery.

2. The United States
For not letting me make any money when I lived there. Also, for not letting me run for President.

3. France

4. France again

5. Turkey
I once got ripped off by a gold salesman on the Turkish coast. He liked the colour of my hair - which at the time was blindingly blonde - and tried to pawn my wig. (At least, this is how I now remember it.)

6. Portugal
My father recently fell down a hill in Porto and dislocated his shoulder. (This one really happened, and I've got the photographs to prove it. Also, my dad proposed to the two Portuguese hotties who rescued him in their ambulance. They will make ideal character witnesses - so long as they first drop their pending lawsuits against my dad.)

7. Paris
Technically not a country, but I once got the runs from an incredibly strong cup of laxative coffee. The bog in my sister's apartment was blocked for the next fourteen months.

8. Peru
For selling me poor quality marching powder back in the nineties and frying all of my brain cells that were good with money.

9. Australia
For repeatedly humiliating us in the Ashes.

10. Russia
Because I really hate Russia and just want to bring it down.